Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
You Might Also Like
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.