whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
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him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Not all heroes wear capes….
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.