whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
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Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
These are dark times.
~me, everyday at 4pm
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.