whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
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Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
