whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
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“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10