Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
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One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes