Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
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When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
I’M CRYINGGG
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?