Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
You Might Also Like
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.