Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
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About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Print is alive and well!!!
