Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
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[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
google sheets just froze up (for everyone) on a call and i said guys i think we all just got laid off
people do NOT like that joke
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
“you look easy to draw”
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
You don’t even know
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.