Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
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OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
my sentiments exactly
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.