Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before & after 😅

Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them

fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths

[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas

girl: wanna have car sex?

me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.

My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?

Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.

Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.

my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do

*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*

I laughed at this way too hard.

Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.

Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.

She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.

The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.

Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.

Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.

worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.

I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help

the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats

Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.

Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone

Me: that’s what cell phones are for

This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.

It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.