Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
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You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??