Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
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(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice