Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
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*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Barbie gone wild
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Church Pugh’s
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud
*opened popsicles
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.