Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
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Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?