Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
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*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
“our sushi is very fresh”
“How stressed are you?”
Me:
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.