Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
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Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
#SCOTUS one-star review
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
the official breakfast of 2021
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.