Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
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The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.