Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?

My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking

me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts

cop: no I’m just high—wait a second

me: too late ur under arrest

Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.

In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.

“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”

Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own

Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.

I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.

I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?

We need it on priority

I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”

oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed

My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age

For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.

Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?

wife: give me back the baby

Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: job interviews mostly

“HOW” – dyslexic owl

I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream

HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

Me: Ugh…where am I?

Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.

M: WHO’S THERE??

*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*

DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.

M: HEEEELP

D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN

Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.

A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.

This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live

Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character

Him: ok so your password needs to be

Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test