whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
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[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Jogging
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot