Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

Dead sexy!!

I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.

If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.

This is so me 😂😂

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

[first date]

him: how do you feel about having children

me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours

Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.

I walked into a pub with my wife..

The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?

I said That sounds like a fair swap

I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.

It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.

me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many

How it started: How it’s going:

The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.

dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”

Cop: “License and registration please.”

*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*

Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”

I laughed at this way too hard.

Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.

Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)

Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.