whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
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If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
The sacred texts.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.