Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
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*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Lmao the reply
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…