Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
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CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
ah yes….my favourite videogame
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue