Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
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Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
For the ones in the back.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
gonna start parting my hair down the middle so i can write poetry better
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.