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@HomeWithPeanut

I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.

@pkollar

video games allow you to journey to wondrous locations straight out of your dreams such as: warehouse, sewer, and subway tunnel

@Rollmaninoz

Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go

@GianDoh

Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”

@13spencer

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

@LOsepyan

If I had a dollar for every time I was wrong, I’d be incredibly broke.

@omgthatspunny

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

@DadandBuried

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.