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@abrianmc

I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed

@OMGSoOverIt

(Husband asks to see my phone)

Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.

@Neauxpe

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because you were the only car in the lot and I parked so close you couldn’t open your door.

@Cryptoterra

tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers

@ilovepie84

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

@KeetPotato

oh, so now star wars is the best thing you’ve ever seen, is it?
“yes, and?”
so you’ve forgotten about the time we saw a snake wearing a hat?

@hoopnazi

getting real tired of hearing opinions on murder from people outside the murderer community

@TheRealRHB

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

@Bownuggets

Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now

@heyevergreen

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy