I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
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(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because you were the only car in the lot and I parked so close you couldn’t open your door.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
oh, so now star wars is the best thing you’ve ever seen, is it?
so you’ve forgotten about the time we saw a snake wearing a hat?
getting real tired of hearing opinions on murder from people outside the murderer community
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy