One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
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when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family