[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
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[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Why I divorced her.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth