The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
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I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
So creative 😂
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying