Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
You Might Also Like
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
logging onto twitter…
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*