Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
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Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.