Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
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Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum