Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
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Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.