Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
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Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer