Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
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My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
