Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
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Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Half of this strand of Christmas lights doesn’t work so I’m just going to ball it back up and toss it in the bin so it can piss me off again next year.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Teach your children to beatbox
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.