Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chinese military tactics are pure genius.

“How do you sleep at night!”

Usually on my side facing the door.

What is going on here?

Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?

girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died

me: yeah ok

I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.

I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.

Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.

It’s. Just. Tea.

Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

My grandmother’s secret ingredient?

Cigarette ashes

Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.

I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.

it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind

BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”

Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?

😂

Happy Halloween 🎃

Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now

My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.

I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…

My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.

“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”

~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus

A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.