Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
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I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.