Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.

making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop

I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.

me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon

My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates

My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.

therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?

me: no thanks, I’m self-centered

therapist: again, that’s why we’re here

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?

IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE

“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.

I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

Autocorrect is my menesis

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL

According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.

DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?

Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?

DM:

ME:hello…you there

Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.

Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”

If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:

just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat

My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time

There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.

Love this joke:

Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!