Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
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Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
Had a rough week. Might get bangs later.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
I just post them. I don’t explain them.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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