Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
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If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
🤣🤣🤣
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She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
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So true for me
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Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.