Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

<- sleeps well with others

I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon

What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score

“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”

Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.

Bobby pin

prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?

me:

prosecutor:

me: i hoped he was cake

A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.

DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.

I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food

Hello consequences, my actions went that way.

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?

Me: So they can buy stuff.

4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?

She’s a criminal mastermind.

if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?

Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?

Me: we’re texting

Him: I heard it

Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens

I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.

My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit

Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”

Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT

God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.

Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.

You heard.

Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.

15: Ok

Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.

15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.

Cats are so graceful and light-footed.

[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]

I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.

We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?

I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.