Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
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INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
idk what he going thru but i feel him
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Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Comparing yourself to others
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If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot
There is no try. There is only give up.