Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
You Might Also Like
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.