Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?

me: at checkers!

teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?

me: we went camping!

teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?

me: yeah, that one I did

“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”

“Um, I have a boyfriend.”

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.

Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period

Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is

I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.

Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again

Me: *making a snow angel*

Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor

How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.

You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship

I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.

I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.

Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me

Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day

Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too

Son: *From the basement* WHEN

Birds & Planes.

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan

I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.

I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.

Start of the article: but what if only three people read it

End of the article: at least only three people will read it

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”

If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad

I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.

What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies

59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.

The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?