Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
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my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
phew
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
welp
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
beware of dog
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?