Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
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“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
2024: “I’m sick of that Hawk Tauh Girl… When is her 15 minutes of fame gonna be up?”
2032: “I hope President Hawk Tauh Girl gets a second term.”
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes