Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.

My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw

[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right

Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?

THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening

*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months

Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.

The conversation w customer service has essentially been

“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”

“You violated the terms of service :)”

“Aight but whatd i do”

“You violated the terms of service :)”

“Elaborate tho??”

*crickets*

Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?

Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.

Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.

Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.

Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows

murderer 1: well this is awkward

murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here

murderer 1: how’s Rachel?

murderer 2: she’s good, she just-

me: EXCUSE ME

GMO bananas: turn brown for what?

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.

Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…

English teacher: I’m listening

[cocktail party]

BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?

ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

Overheard neighborhood story:

First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am

Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213

I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha

*Now with 50 percent less fat*

Me: ooooh *buys two*

starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!

me: oh hell yes

starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead

me: what are they made of

starbucks: plastic

me:

starbucks:

me:

starbucks: wait shit

Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it

I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.

You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.

Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner

I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.