Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
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what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum