Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
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My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.