Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.

Me: I would like this urn

Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?

Me: my wife

Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry

[later]

Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present

Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?

Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with

for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago

Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.

The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice

completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions

Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake

Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable

My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along

Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭

I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.

The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.

When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.

*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*

[hospital]

me: what happened

doctor: you were in a terrible car accident

me: am i going to be ok

doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard

Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one

My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word

[first day as librarian]

guy: i’m looking for a book—

me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.

My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying

Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.

When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.

ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.

Husband opening his new radar detector…

Me- want me to run by really fast?

Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.

Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler