Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.

A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?

Back in my day, we had to walk 10 miles in the snow to change the channel

I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble

No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.

I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.

My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”

quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job

No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.

An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.

Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.

18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.

We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.

I’m not a superstitious person but I will never say “bloody Mary” 3 times in front of a mirror. I’m not chancing that shit

I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.

Comedy booker: how much time can you do?

Me: I have an hour

Comedy booker: there might be children there

Me: I have 7 seconds

Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!

*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

Harsh but true birthday card from my parents

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.

Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…

waiter: what’ll it be?

me: I’ll have chameleon

waiter: that’s not on the menu

me: how can you be sure?

“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.

This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.