Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
You Might Also Like
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
If only
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
