Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…

“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.

Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*

Her: what’s this?

Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.

[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.

when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?

You’re goddamn right I’m touching the plate immediately after you warn me it’s hot

This line from Airplane.

Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.

Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes

Passwords are more important than ever.

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*

Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up

What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

I will never stop laughing at this

Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.

My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.

Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.

Gangnam style!

But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning

[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share

“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”

Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.

You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”

– Hipthter

Me, reading some of your tweets