Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
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Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.