Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
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[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?