Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.

PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor

Hubs: You treat me like a child

Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.

Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali

IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR

I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,

Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.

me *breaking the fourth wall*

architect: oh no

I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake

I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?

me: orders ice cream from grubhub

driver: makes 12 stops before my house

Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.

My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.

*flirting with a guy at work*

Soooooo, what do you do for a living?

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.

If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.

i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad

I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.

I don’t think Spotify knows what a genre is. Apparently I’ve been listening to “indie punk death raccoon disco” all year.

When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs

My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink

OCTOPUS: Oh hey

If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son

jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run

My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.

Our shared calendar.

At least he already knows not to expect much.