Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.

I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.

*flicks cigarette after a long drag*

Here’s the thi—

*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*

I love greens, but not in a sexual way

Platonic salads, so to speak

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: *takes deep breath*

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

Arrest that man!

[at the office]

Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.

Me: When did it arrive?

Secretary: 1983.

Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.

The conversation w customer service has essentially been

“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”

“You violated the terms of service :)”

“Aight but whatd i do”

“You violated the terms of service :)”

“Elaborate tho??”

*crickets*

Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy

very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away

please lobotomize me

FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction

Me: I swear, I was not abducted

From basement: *inhuman screeches*

Agent: What was that

Me: My excessively human child

Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.

Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.

All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.

My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”

Holy shit, I married my father

Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis

Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?

I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.

That.

My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.

girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.

If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.

I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.

*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*

What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius

Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f

Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]

My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.