Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.

Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix

Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*

Me: same

Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

*during sex

Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?

Me: Nope. Way better.

*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs

first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues

*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.

After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.

Him: So tell me a little about yourself.

Me: But this was going so well…

I only treason on days ending in y

Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.

Me: *applies for a loan*

Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.

Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.

I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison

HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet

I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling

“It’s better to give than to receive.”

I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet

The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.

Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“

Me: I’m too scared to fly

Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash

Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?

“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??

spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe

Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.

So I’m basically a puffer fish now.

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.