Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
You Might Also Like
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough