Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
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Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
