Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
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[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Penguins walking in 5x speed
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
This is the best one I’ve seen
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups