Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.

The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?

BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!

What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue

How do you like your Corgi?

energy cannot be created nor destroyed

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

I’ll have a whiskey.

“On The Rock?”

Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?

[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]

“This one’s free, buddy.”

The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.

My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?

*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00

Have kids, they said

Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed

Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops

Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”

Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.

The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos

I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.

I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes

CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh

when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology

I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.

Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.

Universe: Hold my beer.

The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.

Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.

What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?

I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…

Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!

Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?

Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.

[1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives