Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
You Might Also Like
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”