Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
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Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
How about I get 100% off by already being there
So Hamburger help me, God
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.