Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.

My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”

seriously you guys

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.

I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.

It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.

You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.

People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.

“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.

Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people

If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.

(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”

I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.

My brother just sent me an angry text.

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”

[ant colony]

husband: I am beat

wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor

husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?

wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

*army rises out of ball pit*

dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?

[they point to bob]

dark lord: you the man, bob

Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?

Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.

Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope

*forces square peg into round hole

Round hole: wrong hole.

8: momma why didn’t you swim?

Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.

8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.

I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.