Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
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The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.