Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
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Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
That’s no pocket rocket.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside