Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
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Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
This probably isn’t good
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
I need to become a boxer. I mean, I hate fighting but love wearing shorts with superfluous fringe
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.