Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
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Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
I downloaded a Canadian true crime podcast and the first episode was about a guy who ordered a dozen doughnuts at Tim Hortons, but he received 13 instead… And he didn’t tell anybody.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
#parenting
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat