Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.

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Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.


Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.


I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”


a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl


“always save your grocery bags,” my parents told me. “you never know when you might need them.” i now have thousands of bags. it is an ever-growing mass that cannot be stopped. at this point i don’t have any room for food so i must eat the bags. they become angry.


Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.


Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma

Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories

Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table


If you see me running down the road crying, it’s because I hate running.


New Password: Elephants
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New Password: Ants
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New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
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