Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
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A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.