@MomOfTeen

Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.

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@JohnDuffy21

Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary. However, I looked it up on whiskeypedia and learned if you drink too much of it, it’s likely tequilya.

@kimt205

An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.

@jonnysun

i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it

@MaryJustice86

Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.

@jnrbtsn

Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I’m ready now.

@OtherDanOBrien

ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors

@Elifcello

Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.

@1Happytwit

You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.