Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.

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Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary. However, I looked it up on whiskeypedia and learned if you drink too much of it, it’s likely tequilya.


An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.


i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it


Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.


Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I’m ready now.


ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors


Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.


You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.