Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
You Might Also Like
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
My next door neighbor invited me to a party at his place, but he’s creepy, so I didn’t go. The next day when he asked why I didn’t show up, I couldn’t think of an excuse, so I said I couldn’t find parking. He just nodded and said “Next time, take a Uber.”
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery