Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.

Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.

I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.

35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.

NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.

[first day as a 911 operator]

guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!

me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh

killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple

If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?

DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone

So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?

Me: *skips*

My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.

it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking

Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.

4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?

Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.

4: Don’t you want to taste them first?

Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.

Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.

We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.

Toddler: I want toast

Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast

Husband: just tell her she already ate it

Me: you already ate your toast

Toddler: *eyes narrow*

Husband: you said it was yummy

Toddler: *walks away*

Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint

“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll

HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.

Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!

My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!