Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
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I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
How software testing works
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.