Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
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You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
the duality of man
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
I’d like to formally apologize to everyone I’ve ever mocked for leaving their holiday lights up all year. You were visionaries, and I am now your disciple.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂