Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
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Did I do this right
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”