Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’

lol sometimes I-

[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”

Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place

When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.

[firing squad]
Any last requests?

“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”

Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE

*gunshots*

Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.

What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.

7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away

Husband: I love you.

Me: I have a boyfriend.

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.

I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack

Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.

Me: They’re right.

*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*

“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”

-me as a babysitter

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.

Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.

My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.

His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts

Monday again. I just knew this would happen

Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.

Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!

OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.