Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
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Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian