Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ffs laughed out loud 😂

we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053

You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?

Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?

We do, now.

(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)

After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.

I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.

Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.

“what that mouth do?” complain

My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud

When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter

I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards

A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*

when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table

What

I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.

My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.

My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.

my facial care routine has some really good, expensive products that my dog licks off right after

PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-

ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.

PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.

ME: *gasps* How can you tell?

Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor

the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.

І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.

[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost

kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”

Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?