Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that

I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.

Biden: Trump’s sons were nice

Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day

B: Uday and Qusay?

[taking my date for a walk in the woods]

HER: this sure is a dense forest

ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell

10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?

Me: Go to your room.

If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.

How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it

The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.

How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.

ㅤ

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.

The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single

Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.

My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.

[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

Showerkraut

Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

Bringing them to the yard is easy

– bear traps will keep em’ there

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie

Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.

Me: What the hell do you want?

Him: Um, YOU called ME.