Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
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She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Had a spot of bother earlier.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
