Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
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*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,